Ted Nugent Is The Greatest Writer Ever
This is the most insane thing I have ever read. The sheer psychosis that informs each of these thoughts, the ever-increasing insanity of each sentence, baffles and in some ways excites me more than anything I have ever seen.
Here are some highlights, but it HAS to be read in full:
Animals give me life. I like to eat them, ride them, pet them, wear them, grow them, watch them, and know in my pure aboriginal predator heart and soul that the health and condition of the animals in our lives are direct indicators of our own quality of life. The wildlife on the sacred Nugent hunting grounds, like all across North America, is thriving, naturally wild and spectacular. Our three Labrador retrievers and stupid old cat are clearly the happiest pets on earth. I love animals, and they love me. Perfect….
And yes, Eloise, that is an American buffalo between my legs. Isn’t he adorable? See the snot flying and enraged fire in the eyes? And the bison ain’t bad looking, either…
Here, after declaring his love for wearing and riding animals, he compares his penis to an angry, mucus-spitting buffalo.
My relationship with wild animals is as pure as it gets. I am a hunter, and surely there is no wiser use of renewable wildlife resources than killing them and grilling them.
Ted Nugent: animal activist, hunter, griller.
And though I do hop aboard for a thrilling ride, I am not so stupid as to forget that my buffalo is, and always will be, a wild buffalo. You know, the kind that would just as soon trample you into a bloody puddle of snot and hair than look at you.
Admitting this truism is why I carried a 10mm handgun in my belt during those stage rides, just in case the beast decided to go buffalo on me. A quick 200-grain armor-piercing slug through the back of his head would have made the difference between a momentary increase in entertainment value and a few dozen or more trampled rock fans. I knew this, and I was prepared. I am such a radical pragmatist.
Ted Nugent: armed in concert. Also, he seems to love to ride animals, which is curious given this:
Remember the circus lion tamers of yore, a chair in one hand, a pistol in the other? Prudent and respectful during a time before dangerous animals somehow became cute. The Bambi curse is to defile the wildness of beasts. They are killer whales, not show whales. And don’t tell me that grabbing alligators by the tail promotes conservation. Wise use? I think not. Shame on you.
Now, I can get on board with the whole not using animals for show thing. But I’d think that would disqualify riding a buffalo on stage.
The real moral of the story is that Ted Nugent is insane, and I’m even more insane for trying to argue back and decipher his message on my personal blog.
