Jordan Zakarin

Friends, Family and readers otherwise,

Life takes a lot of unexpected twists and turns. We regret to inform you that Jordan will be around to bug you all for a long, long time.

Kinda sorta scared you? Sorry, I just felt so powerful, I had to at least give it a half assed go. Would you expect any less of me?

If you’re reading this message, it means I’ve successfully undergone root aorta replacement surgery. No big thing. I’m either still asleep or tripping balls or in terrible pain or some combination of all three. I’ll try to update as soon as I can, or at least have a family member do so.

Thanks to my brother Ben for publishing this pre-written post.

For what it’s worth, if it hadn’t gone so well, I would have had my will published as part of a “I’m dead” message. Here’s what it would have looked like (this is a pretty pathetic list, looking back at it):

My computer: Reece. He needs a new one, and needs to go Mac. Just lay off the porn, this is a brand new hard drive.

My XBox: Ben. Should go to a college student. Get high and play Star Ocean.

Exercise bike: My dad. The one at home sucks, and walking on a treadmill is a bitch.

Patriots championship ring: Mom. Who else would get the diamonds?

Pavement’s first reunion show ticket: Andrew. Use it as you see fit. Enjoy the show. Also, my secret merkin collection.

Any cookies and candy people had sent for my recovery: Allie and Julianne. I know they won’t go to waste.

Dani and Loreen, charge a mouse extermination to my estate.

My job at 4TNZ: I don’t know if this is legal, but Dana. And if you turn it down last minute, I will fucking haunt you.

My stolen copy of Spirited Away: Malaka

Copy of On the Road and Beat Anthology: Kelsey

Wii: Ryan, you deserve it.

$7000: Steve Kovach, that should cover rent.

Any Paramore media kits I get through work: Spage

Space heater: Katie, you’ll need it in Syracuse.

The rest of my fortune: Itsy

My brain: Science.

My corpse: Steve Hermes

Play this backwards, and it just might say “Jordan is dead.” Conspiracy theorists, have at it!

Notes

  1. jordansheartsucks posted this
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