October 2009
62 posts
Just Like Starting Over
Well, I’m back in Brooklyn, at least for the weekend. Drove back with my dad, unpacked all my shit, and took a seat on the futon.
It’s weird, being back, for a number of reasons. First, I was crossing tenth street a bunch of times, pretending to help Steve and my dad move chairs (new additions to the apartment) from the car. There was a cop blaring his horn and a subsequent traffic...
Ah, Memories
Don’t think I’m not aware of how fucking boring this blog as gotten. I know. But in my defense, it’s been an uphill battle to keep it from reaching the lows of boredom and monotony that my actual, convalescing life has reached. Write what you know, but don’t kill your audience.
I was thinking back on it, and realized that, beyond the uplifting knowledge that I’m...
Off The Sauce
Planned on going out again today, but I got caught up watching Naruto and the British Office until 5 pm, so that plan got pushed back a day. Which is fine, because I’ve been exhausted… and really fucking sore.
That’s not new to read in this space, but I’ve decided that after just about three weeks, it’s time to play it straight and jump off the percocet train....
C'mon!
Tumblrs, I’ve got beef.
I’ve got a good number of followers. I’m assuming you’re following me because you want me to do get better. And I’m also assuming that when you log into your dashboard, you at least skim my updates.
But not a like or a reblog to be seen. It’s lonely here. As my tumblarity falls, so does my heart rate, and that’s dangerous for me.
...
Don't Worry, I'm Still Alive
Not that you were worrying, judging by the fall in the site’s traffic. Bing! Assholes.
I left my public option plea up all weekend because I was hoping as many people as possible would see it. And if anyone visiting this site disagrees with it, thanks, you were okay with me possibly dying in a close, parallel universe.
So here starts another week at home. I’m going to Brooklyn for a...
They Want Me Dead
Running parallel to this personal health care struggle of mine has been an even more painful national health care struggle, the battle for universal health care. Soulless opponents have wielded rhetorical and financial weapons far sharper than the sternum buzzsaw that ripped through my chest, and unlike my positive prognosis, I’m not so sure the country is going to end up better off, with...
Here I Am
I kinda sorta forgot to post today. It was half oversight, half not wanting to post. So here’s a quick update:
I was sore as shit today. My chest felt like it weighed 1000 pounds. And not in a sexy woman way.
Also, I biked for over an hour combined on a couple of heats. That made me even more sore. I knew I’d stupidly jump right into it. I’m addicted.
Now I am eating orange...
I first fell in love with this song as a montage...
Shorter
If you checked this site earlier tonight:
You are very bored.
No, you aren’t crazy — there was in fact a long post up earlier that I have since taken down.
I took the post down because I didn’t want to be a whiny bitch. The previous entry was long, well thought out and pretty moving. But I don’t mean to complain too much, so long story short, I had a bit of a mixed day.
On...
Name This Appointment
In about an hour, I’m actually leaving my house. I’ll be going to the hospital, so that’s no bonus, but at least it’s a routine thing.
I have an appointment with my cardiologist, a little two weeks since surgery anniversary party. We’ll celebrate with a nice echocardiogram and frank talk about medications!
It’s not officially my post-op appointment — that...
My "Reality"
At this point, the days and nights melt into each other, light and dark fading in and out as I sit, brain numbed, on my couch. The only way of knowing the date comes from what’s on TV that night — two nights ago Dexter was on, so that means in two nights, 30 Rock is on.
I did receive a nice visit from reality this weekend, with a visit from a large majority of what I can comfortably call my...
Milestones?
I wouldn’t dare celebrate, because I’m not a terminally ill old man, but today I:
Went twelve hours (6 am-6pm) without Percocet
Lasted over twenty minutes on the treadmill
Kinda sad that I’m listing these things, but they are tangible signs of progress in a recovery that is so often day to day and minute to minute. Especially the painkillers — that’s a long way from...
A Brief Fit of Madness
I woke up early this morning, as has become my custom, and after taking some medicine and eating a muffin top (unwasteful because it was baked and sold only as a top, a violation of Seinfeld law but still delicious), I flipped on Bored to Death On Demand.
I was enjoying the show, when, about 10 minutes in, I started feeling overwhelmingly nauseous. After confirming that I wasn’t gonna puke,...
Oh Right. My Health
It’s all well and good to talk about using a blog as a springboard to change the very way we communicate as patients and health professionals, but I should probably give some actual health updates if I want there to be any substance to the sizzle.
Eleven days out of heart surgery, and I’m slowly making progress. Still having back pain, and of course the chest isn’t so good, but...
A Little Sunday Meta
With no pretension as per my own importance or media penetration, I began this project with intentions aside from its main purpose, which is to keep friends and family updated on my latest bitching and thusly tacitly commanding sympathy.
I also wanted to see if I couldn’t reach out to other patients in an educational and empathetic way, while opening the eyes of health professionals and, if...
Cheech, My Goodies, Through the Roof
I’ve hesitated to write about any get well gifts I’ve received, not out of any lack of gratitude, but because I don’t want to insinuate that I’m fishing for anything from anyone. Honestly, I’m satisfied with well wishes and kind words, especially in this economy. Also, I’m a bit of a dick, so I’m not expecting a floodgate of emotion coming my way.
But,...
It Was All Worth It
I’ve always wanted to email Bill Simmons and maybe by some miracle make it into his column, which is invariably the biggest article each week on ESPN.com. The Sports Guy, as he’s known, is a TV comedy writer, published author and God of 20-something sports fans.
Finally, last Sunday, deep in my convalescence, I decided to take the plunge. And I made the cut.
Bill Simmons Week 6 NFL...
Let Me Take You Down
I’ve been reading a long biography on John Lennon, one of my few true heroes. Beyond his talent, his sheer brilliance, knife-edged wit and willingness to experiment with music, words and society have always marked him as a role model of sorts for me.
Nearly 200 pages into the book, I’ve yet to crack the Beatles point on the Lennon time line. Meandering through his both unsettled and...
Update: I just hit fifteen minutes on the treadmill. My lower back may now possess astounding anatomical similarities to that of The Thing, of Fantastic Four fame, but I hit fifteen minutes.
Wild Friday night.
Small Step, Giant Leap
It almost feels pathetic for me, as someone who when healthy bikes nearly two hours a day, to even write about this, but full disclosure and encouraging others and all that jazz.
Last night, I put on my sneakers and hit the treadmill, walking at a pace just above what rehab instructors might set for their more elderly clientele. Still, I went for ten straight minutes, and could have gone longer...
Unhappy Anniversary
Yesterday, I joylessly marked a full week since my surgery. Today, I observe the one week anniversary of the worst day of my life.
While the hours following waking up from surgery were no doubt terrible, it was the day after that shit truly hit the pain and depression fan.
My night nurse was a total bitch — she told me that she didn’t want to hear my loud voice or complaints, regardless...
Late Night OMGs
Because I was born a few years too early to fully appreciate the show, and because I have for whatever reason only happened to have seen the earlier episodes on TV Land, I am in complete shock to find that, in this latter years episode of Roseanne that I am watching, the second, re-cast Becky is played by Sarah Chalke.
Who plays Dr. Elliot Reed on Scrubs.
Yes, Elliot was Roseanne’s...
She did it.
Every person has their own reaction when you tell them you’re having heart surgery. My friend Julianne got emotional. My roommate Steve said, “oh man, that sucks.” My friend Andrew and I had a long phone conversation.
My friend Malaka’s first concern was the logistics of sending me an ice cream cake.
Guess she figured it out — I just got this in the mail.
I love my...
Really Annoyed
In honor of The Office annoying me, here are some other things that are annoying me right now:
Hiccups. Not so good with a broken sternum. A few nights ago, while seated at the table, I hiccuped so hard my knee shot up and banged against the hard wood. My sternum, and leg, bore the brunt. Also, my entire family laughed at me.
The clock in my living room. It keeps making me think that I’m...
Annoying
I finally became bored enough to succumb to getting caught up on The Office, including the wedding episodes. This has clearly set my recovery back a few days. Please, if I have another girl tell me to shut up with my criticism of Jim and Pam on the grounds of, “aww, they’re so cute!” I’m going to fucking explode.
I don’t give a fuck if they’re “aww, so...
Non Sequitor
I had a big update in mind, but I kinda sorta forgot what I was going to say. So I guess that makes it not that big, so it’s no huge loss.
I’m trying to stretch out times between percocet doses, because the last thing I need is to withdraw again. That sucked. Also sucks: the pain from a broken sternum, ripped muscle and sutured skin. So it’s kinda damned if you do, damned if you...
I'm Fucked
I Heart Braylon Edwards
Tonight on Monday Night Football, WR Braylon Edwards will play in his first game for the Jets. The team acquired him last Wednesday, right around the point I was waking up from my surgery. Needless to say, the news didn’t reach the ICU that day.
On Thursday morning, after shivering in pain for a few hours, I got a brief reprieve thanks to a few extra shots of morphine. Audaciously, I asked...
Slow Drip
I’d like to update more, assuming anyone wants to read it, but with headaches and pains the only notable highlights of blindingly boring days, there’s not much noteworthy to say. So I guess I’ll give a little taste of what that’s like. Prepare to be bored:
In pain. Take medicine (percocet) and slowly pace around, or even just stand in place, because it is too painful to...
Video: Leaving the ICU
Here’s a video that I created while very, very high at the hospital.
This was filmed while riding from the ICU to a regular room — had I had continued filming, you would have seen the nurses jostling me around like I was a bumper car and not a day out of open heart surgery.
My voice is very soft, as it hurt to breathe and I had had a tube down my throat a few hours earlier. So take it or...
Free?
I got home at around 3:30, at which point I passed out for three hours. Big mistake, as that got me sore all over again.
I’m walking slow circles around my house’s first floor, which is pathetic in itself. But because the way to decorate adult houses is put mirrors all over the walls, I’m constantly reminded of how pathetic I look, too.
I’m home, but still a slave to...
Delay
Time never moves so slowly as it does in hospitals. You wake unbelievably early in the morning, then set upon a long day of doing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, nurses move at glacial paces to get much needed pain killers, which means they’re way more needed when they finally arrive. And that’s if they even remember them in the first place, or hear about them from another nurse.
Time...
Well well well
Today started unbelievably shitty, with terrible nausea and a horrible back ache borne of being bed ridden for three days. Still kills, though I’ve been stretching it out.
The good news? The doctor said I can go home. I refuse to get in my hospital bed, and it’s really uncomfortable here, so he told me there’s nothing more they can do for me. Other than fill me with drugs,...
I am withdrawing from oxycodone and morphine right now. HOLY FUCK don’t do drugs.
Just had my tubes removed. It felt like my soul being sucked through my chest. I need to pass out.
Day three thus far
I just had some wires removed. From my chest. By hand.
Take the most painful experience of your life, multiply it by ten and stretch it over three days. That’s this.
Tine really stands still here - it’s only noon?! - and I’m only blogging because it gives me something else to concentrate on. Fun for everyone!
I’ve swallowed my pride and have been begging for the chest...
Quick Update
Not gonna, this really sucks. I’ve got a tube in my chest that makes it really painful to breathe. And I gotta keep it in til tomorrow.
I’ve found out thaf I’m pretty impervious to pain medication, two percocet and three oxycodone later.
Good news: I’m out of ICU and in a regular room. It doesn’t make me feel much better, but they say I’m a fast recoverer,...
Friends, Family and readers otherwise,
Life takes a lot of unexpected twists and turns. We regret to inform you that Jordan will be around to bug you all for a long, long time.
Kinda sorta scared you? Sorry, I just felt so powerful, I had to at least give it a half assed go. Would you expect any less of me?
If you’re reading this message, it means I’ve successfully undergone root...
I was hoping to tweet from the operating room, but no one would be there to take my phone. The best I can do: http://twitpic.com/kl0pl
Countdown
Sitting here, less than hour from slicing, thinking about how fucked up I’m gonna be in about seven hours. But also, how lucky I am to have such great friends.
Just kidding. Mostly concentrating on the train about to hit me. But I do appreciate all the good wishes everyone has sent my way.
But still, shit, this is gonna hurt.
Well, Here She Is
After seven weeks of waiting, 5000+ words blogged and two days in the hospital, my surgery finally goes down tomorrow.
How do I feel about it? I’d be lying (and psychotic) if I said I was excited, and just as dishonest if I pretended that I wasn’t dreading the next three weeks. I’m going to wake up tomorrow around 1 pm in unbelievable pain, choking at the tube down my...
Tomorrow's Game Plan
So some little twit Physician’s Assistant just came by and told me my surgery is the second of the day, instead of first as we were led to believe, so I won’t be going under until at least 11 am, and given what happened today with the cath, I’m sure I won’t get carved til about 3 pm.
Huzzah.
Update: Doctor came by, I brandished a knife, surgery moved back to 7 am....
Finally out
So the big heart mapping is finally over.
As I laid on the table waiting for it to start, The Cure came piping in to the operating room.
“tell me tell me tell me how you do those things, the ones that make me scream she said…”
anyone who knew me well in college would find this ironic and fitting.
True to the doc’s word, I was knocked out pretty good. A warm...
On the clock
It’s 3:08 and I’m still waiting for my 11 am scheduled appointment.
I shouldn’t be frustrated, though. Apparently they meant 11 am in the middle of the god damn Pacific Ocean, so they’re right on time. Silly me.
Doctor just came by. I demanded double dose of pain killer and relaxer. He said he’d “take care of me.” I expect to be swimming soon.
Feed me
Procedure was scheduled for 11 am. Still waiting at 1:15, as an earlier patient had “unforseen difficulties.” Confidence inspiring.
Just stick me with the fucking needle already, I can’t eat til after this is done (starting last night at midnight) and I would eat just about anything right now. And in a hospital, that’s dangerous.
Today's Fun: Day Two
The night nurse (a job title that sounds more slang for prostitute than actual nurse) came in to tell me at 6:30 am that my needle in the leg to map out my heart procedure is going down at 11 am, so I can sleep in. Except for being woken up at 6:45 and all.
I asked another nurse if it hurt, having a camera shoved through your leg.
“No, they give you a local anesthetic shot to numb the...
Frontlines, Part 1
Day one at the hospital is more or less complete. Time knows no bounds here, so I’m sure I’ll be woken up around 3 am to be asked how I’m sleeping, and then maybe be stabbed a few times for good measure.
Hospitals have a certain, unique way of making you feel like an invalid. I came here totally able bodied, and have mostly gone unscathed, but sitting here in my room, it’s...
WHY WOULD THEY SHOW NCIS IN THE X-RAY WAITING ROOM?! GUY’S CHEST WAS TOTALLY CARVED OPEN.
The Arrival
As is already obvious, I arrived at the hospital a little while ago. Here’s a video I shittily made on my phone. And yes, there was an earthquake coinciding directly with the first 20 seconds I was here.
The Arrival from Jordan Zakarin on Vimeo.